Love and Marriage
By Deacon Tony Martucci

This past August my wife, Pat, and I celebrated our 40^th wedding anniversary. There is nothing really remarkable or unusual about that, but in today’s society I guess we are somewhat unique in having “survived” together that long. I give most of the credit to Pat, who stood by me when I wasn’t very “likeable”. I was a typical male, somewhat self-absorbed, involved in my career, my union activities, etc., while she held a part-time job, took care of the house and our children (eventually five of them).

We don’t have the perfect marriage; no one is perfect but God. We have a good marriage because we both work at it. We began our married life with a Nuptial Mass and two Papal Blessings. Pat must have realized very early in our relationship that she would need lots of help from above. About six months into our marriage, a priest friend invited us to make a Cursillo (Spanish for short course) which helped us to form a better relationship with Christ, but I didn’t immediately realize that I was to take the lessons of the weekend into my relationship with my family. And so I became absorbed in my own world, while Pat did all of the typical wife-things.

During our seventh year of marriage, and three children in three years, Pat & I went on a Marriage Encounter. I was reluctant to go, but thought that it would make Pat happy, and I could skate by a few more years doing what I was doing. During that weekend, we shared letters and feelings with one another as part of the process of the weekend. In reading what Pat was feeling, I began to realize how much she really loved me, and that I needed to become more responsible. I made the decision to be a better father and husband. I wish that I could say that from then on I was the best husband and Dad that I could be, but change is always slow and deliberate.

We joined the Pre-Cana team here at St. Mary of the Lake, and began to share our ups and downs with engaged couples. The result was that we each learned from other team couples and from our examination of our own lives together and our marriage became stronger. There are several points that I would like to share with you and perhaps you can share them with others.

First, marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. Each of us must give 100% to our spouse in marriage. We are to give all of our efforts, ever if we feel that our spouse is not giving 100%.  Married love is a reflection of the Love that God IS and has for us. Do you think God loves us only when we are loveable? Pat loved me when I was not loveable, when I wasn’t giving 100%. She never gave up on me and eventually I grew up and now we share a love for one another that is so much stronger and deeper than it has ever been.

Second, communication is key. Learn to listen to each other. Men usually have difficulty in communicating. Usually we exchange information only when necessary. Science tells us that women speak approximately 30,000 words per day while men 15,000. Naturally when we come home from work, we’ve used most of ours up, while our wives have much more left. The key to communications, however, is not just sharing thoughts and information, it also involves listening. Neither men, nor women are usually very good at that.

When I applied for the Diaconate program, part of the formation process involved a forty hour course, Lab 1, which taught active listening skills. Both Pat and I took the course, and that helped us to improve our own communications.

Third, do your best to serve your wife or husband. I always tell the grooms in our Marriage Mentoring process a lesson I have learned: Happy WIFE=Happy LIFE.

Fr. Richard, the pastor at St. Pius X Church where I am a parishioner, always tells the women of the parish, “Be good to your man!” It works both ways. Christ said, “I came to serve, not to be served.” If husband and wife can both take that attitude, imagine the love that will flow and grow. 

Fourth in the list, but first in priority, is to pray together as a couple, as a family. When Pat & I were preparing for our wedding, a dear friend of the family, “Aunt” Hazel, gave Pat a paperback book, Three to Get Married, written by Bishop Fulton Sheen. It proposed the idea that in order to have a successful marriage, a couple had to be grounded in their faith and in their trust in God. One of the many billboards in Florida or Texas that have “messages from God” says, “The wedding was great. How about inviting me to the marriage?”  I firmly believe that Pat was part of God’s plan for my salvation as I am part of His plan for hers. We are a team. I am different today because of her love, understanding and prayers for me. We notice that when our relationship with God is strained, our relationship with one another is also out of tune.

Love is not a feeling. It is a decision that we make daily. We promised on our wedding day to take each other as husband and wife, to be true to each other in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, to love and honor each other, as long as we both shall live. To love as Christ loves- totally, and freely, without counting the cost is God’s plan for marriage. Is it easy? NO. Is it possible? Absolutely it is possible, but only with the help of God who created marriage as the sacrament of love and a reflection of His love for humanity.